Sometimes life is best explained through ratios. Consider these, but bewarned I’ve never been that good at math.
Are you willing to wait for that sandwich? Just remember this ratio:
For the time it takes 22 people to get through the line at Jimmy Johns, it takes 3 at Subway.
Have you ever wondered how well certain shopping mall kiosks do? Just remember this ratio:
The number of people that are getting their teeth whitened at the mall kiosk is equal to the number of people receiving a Chinese massage.
Do you really want to go to Chipolte? Just remember this ratio:
The burrito you are ordering will be unequal to the previous burrito you ordered, even if you ordered the same items in it.
Will the Cubs ever win a World Series? Just remember this ratio:
Multiply any Cubs fan hopes of winning the World Series by zero to find the number of World Series titles that they will win in that same fan’s lifetime.
Should you watch the next episode of Glee? Consider this ratio:
Every single lyric that is lip-synced during one of Glee’s “musical numbers” is less than or equal to the number of real vocal coaches that are out of work.
Should you use Papyrus for your next logo design? Consider this ratio:
Every use of Papyrus is greater than or equal to the number of misuses of Papyrus.
Is this stoplight necessary? Consider this ratio:
The necessity of the stoplight is greater with the perceived greatness of the President the street is named after. Chances are that the road has at least four lanes and there needs to be a controlled intersection. Even if their street is a small one, don’t I, as an American, owe it to the likes of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, or the Roosevelts to stop for moment in their honor?
The inverse is also true, the more inconsequential the President of the street you are stopped at increases by four the chance you will fairly exclaim, “Buchanan? I’m stopped at freekin’ Buchanan? This light stopped me more effectively than the Civil War he didn’t even attempt to stop!”
What about this (circle one: unlivable / horrible / fair / good / ideal) weather we’re having? Consider this:
When the expression, “If you don’t like the weather in (insert state), just give it 5 minutes and it will change” is said, add twenty years to the estimated age of the person who said it. Unless you think the person is older than 70, then subtract 5 years for good measure.
A Weather-related Ratio from Rachel:
The number of athletes praying for it not to rain is equal to the number of farmers praying for it to pour.
Are you really going to eat that? Consider this:
The number of Cinnabun’s digested is equal to or less than the number of sick days you will have to take off from work.
And one more Ratio for the Road:
The number of acres of grass Brett Favre mowed in the offseason is still less than his career interception total.